The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
