I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
