Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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