did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
