we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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