why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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