they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
