You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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