Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize