This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize