Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need a burrito and a hug.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
