I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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