is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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