If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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