I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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