How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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