I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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