Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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