every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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