When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
