I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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