turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize