i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
