just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
