i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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