That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
