why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
