my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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