I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
