Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Less talking, more tequila
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
