Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
