Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
