When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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