What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
