Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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