woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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