Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
