No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
His nipple licking is glorious
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