we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
