Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
