oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
