my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
