chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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