I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
