My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
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