nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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