Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
