Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
