I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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