she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
