If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
