Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
