I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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