I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
