Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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