I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
