I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
