I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
