maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
