please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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