That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
