she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
