I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
