i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
