This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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