O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
