One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
